I miss you so much, I can’t stop thinking about your beautiful face and your smile and I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that I won’t see it again except on paper. I’m really trying to be strong for you. I miss you. I know I’ll see you again with Jesus but that could be tomorrow or that could be sixty years from now. I don’t know how to fathom that I have to get through every day without hearing your voice or seeing your face. That is such a long time to live without someone who has been in your life everyday since the day you were born. You won’t be at my graduation, my wedding, to see my babies, to watch us grow up and have families. Auntie, help me keep our family together.
I don’t know how to make everyone get along. Without you here to hold us together, we have to try really hard. Please, help me keep us together. You told me to and I don’t know how without you. You told me I had to do it. I can’t. I don’t know how. I’m failing you. Please. You wouldn’t want us to loose each other, you wouldn’t want us fighting. Please…help me.
Auntie, you are so loved. I still think about you laying there, unmoving, still, cold…and I start to cry because that shouldn’t be you in that bed. I keep hoping it’s a really bad prank or that you’re just at the hospital post-op. I keep thinking I’ll go to the house tomorrow and you’ll be sitting in your chair. You won’t. You’re sitting at Northeast Medical Centar, in a fridge downstairs with a tag tied to your toe, unmoving, still, cold. At least, that’s where your body is, and that’s where I hold my memories. I know you’re really walking in Heaven with Jesus and your grandma and other angels. I know you love us more than those people, I wish you were here. I miss you so much.
I don’t know how to stop crying. I don’t know how to keep thinking that you’re not in pain anymore. This scenario, the way it played out, I don’t know what to think. I keep praying that I can hear your voice one more time. I just want to be able to hear you tell me you love me. Please, I really just want one thing of yours that I can wear around my neck forever.
Help me help Uncle Herb. He’s a mess without you, Auntie. I love him so much too. No matter what, we’re a family and we need to stick together.
I don’t want to wake up, I don’t want to remember. I want to forget. I want to see you smile at me again, sitting in your chair. There are so many things I wish I would have done before you left us. Every time I fall asleep, I’m crying. When I wake up, I remember that it’s not a dream and I cry again. I walked into the house and I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t hold it together. I saw your chair and I saw everyone there and I started crying. I was cleaning the kitchen and putting things away because I know that is what you use as busy work. It helps to be in your kitchen, with your things, in your house, where you were. It’s where I feel you most.
This is going to hurt. Every day. For forever.
I love you, Auntie. Always and Forever, my love bug.